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whyismyfishred
12 August 2009 @ 09:13 pm
Driving in the fast lane - infinite, and all at your finger tips.
The wind pushes and pulls on your skin, trying to release your soul.
Hold something so beautiful as stinkweed up in your hands. Let nature take it's course.
Why are you holding that cigarette with a tremor?
Somebody or something told you one day that it would all better if you just sucked up that smoke.
Just once.
Have you ever looked at a stinkweed?
How deceived can the vast and immensely able mind of a human be.
Humans and robots both look at the stinkweed.
Humans and robots both look at cigarettes.
The robot says the stinkweed is "a various rank-smelling plant".
And the human could say the same. Yet it can be the tree of heaven as well.
The robot says a cigarette is "a small roll of finely cut tobacco for smoking".
A human says it was another way for me to fit in. I'm addicted now.
The stinkweed with it's white, soft, flowery glow seems more than inviting from below a grassy hill.
The cigarette butt is just another sign of an addiction, or an attempt from someone to be something.

I tightly grasped that stinkweed between my fingers, and let the wind rippling around the soaring vehicle pull it back and forth.
It's so strong for such a pretty thing.
There sits a man in a car, trembling with his cigarette only barely grazing the fresh whipping air or the night.
You wouldn't dare let the cigarette act as the stinkweed, would you?
I cannot believe this strong beautiful piece of nature repels those knowledgeable.
'If that's the case,' she whispered, 'I'd rather have never known.'
Man-made becomes danger. Remember the days of dandelion picking? 
Lose all sense of logic for a moment.
Let the stinkweed teach you what it's like to be free to never know, but dream.
Don't be scared.

My soul was pulled away from my group just as the air of the natural world filled my lungs. Just once.
The path of concrete seemed as hot lava to my almost paper-like shoes.
Let me feel the grass.
An open field of grasses and stones spread under the setting sun.
All these signs of life touched mine as I would brush them lightly.
Don't make me follow you, just let me feel for a bit.
Aimlessly - almost butterfly-like - I found myself upon a hill.
Orange light beaming all around kissing my skin.
That's when I took to the unfamiliar heaven plant.
The stinkweed grabbed me as I grabbed for it.
For a moment I thought, I don't want this precious beauty to die so soon.
Yet as I tried to let go it pulled me back to it.
That's when I met the stinkweed.
Not soon after I was told what it really was, and it flustered me.

That evening I wanted the stinkweed to sleep with stars.
Upon a stone it lay and I left it.

There is a time in life where souls touch. Every living being can touch you if you let it. When you let that cigarette touch not only the tip of your lips, but your mind, you gave in. Look for the stinkweed. Don't let life that strong and beautiful slip away.

 
http://i28.tinypic.com/m83cip.jpg
 
 
Current Mood: artistic
 
 
whyismyfishred
08 August 2009 @ 09:29 pm
 
I
Calmly and hastily, there the road snakes over a tread road. 
The recurring thought: get home, beats with every nerve impulse.
Darkness reflected by the moon's taunting glow, beams against the car.
There is a smooth roll to the tires. Street sign after street sign, a storm brews.
II
All is washed as the over-pass draws nearer.
There the lights strike the reflectors, and a quickness of breath picks up.
Time reels and reels.
Look at all the movement down there! So fast, but frozen in the mind's disturbing net of dream.
The wheel frees itself as a phantom lifts my shoulders.
The lights keep speeding, help! Vertigo.
III
I blink and twinge my grip at the wheel.
The wheel? Didn't they take if from me?
The trees and shadows come alive in the white of my eyes.
Why didn't I leap?





SUBJECT TO BE CHANGED LATER
 
 
 
Current Mood: calm
 
 
 
whyismyfishred
05 June 2009 @ 10:28 am
Because, then, you will never find it.

BUT THAT IS NOT FAIR.
It's not fair.
I am highly intuitive, I look for everything.
If I go by this statement 'Don't Go Looking'
That means everything I see, which is everything I look for,
isn't real
I can't find truth in what I see, yet I have a special faith.
Who am I to continue sitting back, giving my all, and then
nothing for my future
seventeen years "and strung out on confusion"
-Green Day
Where can I go from here but up and up?
Sit still as a statue
You see the statue can grow no more to taste the sky
It only stands and waits for time to run it down because it has hit its peak
The peak of living
Am I at this point? Stuck between sky and dirt?
Between goals and shattered dreams?


I don't know.
 
 
 
Current Mood: calm
 
 
 
whyismyfishred
24 April 2009 @ 11:09 pm




Somewhere between the spaces
The point where my head feels as if it is blazing
So much that it can touch the stars in my sleep

Stimulating sensations
My ideals have grown
-
Mystic colors dance in my moments of vulnerability
A flash of teeth
A gleam of the eye
A taste of seduction
A scent of capture and keep
-
Is my heart still beating? 
-
Whirling with every blink of the eye
I see my prize
Haunting and yet I swear
My heart just burst forth from the dirt
The sunlight will reach its ventricles one day
-
So growth will come from the passion
Like citric acid burning
Yet so sweet with a biting release
-
Suddenly awakened
Goddess
Tell me 'it is real'
My universe that is created

 
Mary Michalak
 
 
Current Mood: yearning
 
 
whyismyfishred
24 April 2009 @ 11:05 pm
It started with a low light,
Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed;
And then they took my blood type,
they left a strange impression in my head.
You know that I was hoping,
That I could leave this star-crossed world behind;
But when they cut me open,
I guess I changed my mind.
And you know I might
Have just flown too far from the floor this time,
'cause they calling me by my name!
And the zipping white light beams
disregarding bombs and satellites!

That was the turning point;
That was one lonely night!

The star maker says, "It ain't so bad"
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, "Everybody look down!
Its all in your mind!"

Well now I'm back at home and-
I’m looking forward to this life I live;
You know it's gonna haunt me,
So hesitation to this life I give.
You think you might cross over,
You caught between the devil and the deep blue sea;
You better look it over,
Before you make that leap!

And you know I'm fine, but I hear those voices at night
sometimes... they justify my claim,
and the public don’t dwell on my transmission
'cause it wasn’t televised...

But, it was a turning point,
Oh what a lonely night!

The star maker says, "It ain't so bad"
The dream maker's gonna make you mad;
The spaceman says, "Everybody look down!
Its all in your mind!"
The star maker says, "It ain't so bad"
The dream maker's gonna make you mad;
The spaceman says, "Everybody look down!
Its all in your mind!"

My global position systems are vocally addressed;
They say the Nile used to run from east to west,
They say the Nile used to run… from east to west.

I'm fine,
but I hear those voices at night,
sometime...

The star maker says, "It ain't so bad"
The dream maker's gonna make you mad;
The spaceman says, "Everybody look down!
Its all in your mind!"
 
 
Current Mood: hopeful
 
 
whyismyfishred
14 April 2009 @ 04:57 pm
I came to another conclusion today. 
I was looking so free-mindedly at this picture.
It seems as though it is so very real.
Down to the detail of each soft feature.
Then my mind reeled.
Somebody told me today.
They said
"I'm taken"
My heart tightened a little and I sighed to myself.
That's my life for you.

We learned in English today.
"Do you want to know what winning is like?"
...
Ask the losers.
They can still taste the victory.
Who's the loser here?
I raise my hand slowly.

I'm frightened.
I'm cold and scared.
I'm afraid.
I hold myself in patheticness.

...
I don't want to grow old and lonely.
I want my dream.
I want need my salvation.


Look at the way the passerby hold on.
To dream everyday.
Clinging to fantasy.
My heart is strained with ache.
My throat is flaming.


Please. PLEASE. PLEASE.





please





I don't want to be alone forever.

 
 
 
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: OLP
 
 
whyismyfishred
26 February 2009 @ 03:54 pm
I'm exhausted all the time. My make-up gets fucked up everyday. My face goes through hell. My back is constantly in need to be cracked. I lost some of my stamina to succeed.

My math teacher told me today he doesn't know what my math capabilities are and since I plan on getting into a career with higher levels of math involved he thinks my work ethics need to change. The sad part is he is right and he was super nice about it. He might actually be a good guy under his "smart ass" exterior.

Nonetheless I am completely worn out. I need to get my SCHOOL shit together and fucking focus.










Oh and stop reading in math. He said I need to stop doing that too. Just goes to show where my loyalties lie.

I just need a damn minute to get in order. I need a minute. I need tom.


















...
 
 
Current Mood: stressed
 
 
whyismyfishred
03 February 2009 @ 03:10 pm
I had a very overwhelming thought the other day I wish to share because the more I write it, the more I can believe people will hear what I have to say, therefore feeling a sense of "worthfulness".

This I feel a need to take credit for this wholeheartedly, so I will say:

Everything looks better outlined in black (artistically speaking). Maybe it's the same for people who wear their hateful senses outwardly and boldly. When you realize the a picture that is in fact outlined in black has meaning, you get so much more out of it and finally understand how much depth is possible. Thus, these people, in order to have meaning, think they need that black outline in order to achieve higher meaning, when really it's not about the outline, it's about emphasizing the good qualities.

I don't really know how else to explain it. I wondered a lot yesterday Why are people so mean these days, anyways? Mean, uncaring. I just wonder why I am over come with thought on behaviors or life and meanings behind them. Do other people? Surely, but who knows? 

Just something to reflect on.

 
 
Current Mood: thankful
 
 
whyismyfishred
18 January 2009 @ 10:35 pm
-that it's '09 already
-that I have a lot to do
-that the world isn't over
-that I have it so much better than a lot of people
-that I can't be perfect


I'm weak. I'm worn.

I'm gonna take a little time for myself. I need some family time too. I need to address issues that have effected me strongly these past few days. I gotta get some time to pull my shit together. I just need to relax and focus on making things work out better for my friends. I screwed up. Bad. I know that. It won't happen again I assure the world. Yes I will make mistakes, but never to this level again. No sir. I am not fucking up one of the biggest parts of my life. Friendship means a lot to me and I've been so cooped up in my own little world of whatever the fuck you want to call it that I just have made some mistakes that didn't go over well. I'm glad it's all worked out and all, I just need some time to recooperate and get my shit together.

Relax. Breathe. 1... 2... 3... 4....

Good. Let's all relax.
 
 
Current Mood: anxious
 
 
whyismyfishred
06 January 2009 @ 05:26 pm
And then begin to breathe in...

I find myself in an odd state of mind.
What am I? Where am I? Who cares?

I find myself crying at the truth in the quote:

How happy are the blameless vestal's lot? The world forgetting by world forgot. Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind. Each pray'r accepted, each wish resign'd.


For all time. Here I am.


Would you think I was sadistic or pathetic if I complained about the loneliness of my childhood-like state? Would I care what you think?

Does my random language and questions make you think is some higher powerful thought? I hope not.


I'm just here doing what I do best. Thinking. Dreaming.


Why does the thought of going through high school without a hint of love make me feel as if I am a weak piece of shit? Buck up, you dumb ass!

Make it happen.


I can't make opportunity. Not the kind I'm thinking of at least.


"Thank goddess for imperfections"

I love you, for you. I love your imperfections.
They make you so real to me. Thank you for being patient with my over anxious moods.


"If we don't wake up and shake up the nation, we'll eat the dust of the world... wondering: why?"

Get off your sorry ass and do it!

Tell me why I find myself where I am.


Am I ugly? I won't ever know.


I find myself needing release.


I can't believe a year's gone by so fast.
 
 
Current Mood: cold
 
 
whyismyfishred
04 January 2009 @ 06:38 pm
Here we are exactly 2 months away from my 17th birthday.

Tomorrow we step into another journey. I start my diet and running schedule again. It will all be worth it. I know it.

Let's type it out again.

Breakfast - cereal (serving size on box) OR one piece if toast OR fruit

Lunch - half a sandwich of any kind, fruit (apple/banana), vegetable OR granola

Dinner - small portion of meat, vegetables, whatever else is served in moderation

Mon/Wed/Fri - Running 30 mins

Tues/Thurs - Running 20 mins


Not too bad. I can do it again. I'm sure I will pick it up better this time around though no one is saying it will be easy.

I am determined. I will do it.
 
 
Current Mood: excited
 
 
whyismyfishred
25 December 2008 @ 06:23 pm
Another year older.

wiser.

smarter.

more expirenced.

I can't believe how much I've changed. I cannot believe it at all. I love myself probably twice as much as I did a year ago today. I love my friends, and I love what the future holds for me.

I am here to Change the World. I am learning German, I am finding the man of my dreams, I am leaving behind all that hold me down, but I'm never forgetting.

My New Year's Resolution- Start running and limiting my diet again. Lose 10 pounds this year. That would perfect everything I want in myself.

I am excited to have opportunities given to me. I am excited to take on a new year with measuring it in love.

Look out 09 it's a better me comin at ya.

 
 
 
Current Mood: blah
 
 
whyismyfishred
24 November 2008 @ 03:15 pm
Inspiration
Intuition
Observation
Creativity
Enlightenment
Reflection
Dreaming

The seven most important steps to my everyday life. A little bit of logic, but not too much, and you've just been captured by the magnificent mind of Mary.

1000 stars are passing by.
1000 endless years have died.
Please don't drift away from me.
PLEASE DON'T DRIFT AWAY FROM ME!

It can't be wrong can I? The feelings inside of me can't be wrong. Only misguided.

Intuition.
I rely on this "sense" quite a bit of the late.
It's been 4 weeks exactly from the best day of my life.
Intuition.
1. direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.
2. a fact, truth, etc., perceived in this way.
3. a keen and quick insight.
4. the quality or ability of having such direct perception or quick insight.
5. Philosophy.
a. an immediate cognition of an object not inferred or determined by a previous cognition of the same object.
b. any object or truth so discerned.
c. pure, untaught, noninferential knowledge.
6. Linguistics. the ability of the native speaker to make linguistic judgments, as of the grammaticality, ambiguity, equivalence, or nonequivalence of sentences, deriving from the speaker's native-language competence. Dictionary.com

Pure. Untaught. Noninferential. Knowledge.


Ever since I was knee high to a fly I can remember having this undying sense. This incredible and intense feeling that can only be described as if you were riding a roller coaster. Anticipation. Anxiousness. Energy undying. I have always felt as if something great was and is going to happen to me. I never knew why, where, how, and definitely not when. But ever since The Concert 4 weeks prior, this feeling seems to have made a connection. My "Over Soul" (God within us) has made these feelings resurface and drown my thoughts with what could be. And so from this I pray. I prayed for enlightenment. I prayed for understanding of these feelings and I may have. And so now I pray for opportunity. The world doesn't know how this concept is brought on. My faith tells me it's God. So I pray every night. I need to know. Am I meant to meet Tom Kaulitz? Am I meant to find love in someone I think is so special? Am I meant to live the dream life of so many young women? My intuition is giving my subtle signals. So I will follow through with my reliable senses. I've always felt special my whole life. I've felt like something extraordinary would come from my life. Always.

And so we wait. Follow through with optimism.

Though most people may well read this and find it incredibly unrealistic, illogical, and unlikely. I'll show them, or it will show me. It being my intuition.

Love has always been a fascinating topic. Though I know that maybe my life has been building up to this. Nothing is ever for sure. I have good feelings about this sort of thing.

Follow through with optimism.
 
 
Current Mood: blank
 
 
whyismyfishred
22 October 2008 @ 03:59 pm
I'm very weary of this game.

The past two weeks I have been trying to get in contact with Chan and he has ignored every single attempt. I'm very tired of this.

We are friends, are we not?

Whatever with each passing day I grow more and more apathetic. It must have been too good to be true, huh? Had to be.

It irks me in all places to see that he would just stop talking to me. Just stop.

However, there is lots more joy here! Only five more days until I see Tokio Hotel with Alexa!!! I CANNOT WAIT!

We're gonna meet them. I don't care what it takes. It's destiny. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Nonetheless. I have also had little to no homework this week. XD That is exciting to me.

I CAN'T WAIT TILL THE 27TH !_!
 
 
Current Mood: calm
 
 
whyismyfishred
09 October 2008 @ 04:28 pm
Did you ever think that an under-pressure situation could just change its course in a matter of moments?

Did you ever think that maybe an under-pressure situation could give someone could give a person a new POV on a specific salient event?

Perhaps, Barack Obama is sitting in his voting booth staring into not only a screen flashing before him two names, one being his own, but the future. All of a sudden he is overcome with the crazy realization that he just isn't fit for the job. Maybe, just maybe, there is a better person, a better plan, or a better purpose. Hesitantly he presses on the name John McCain. Angst running through him as if there is some unknown presence watching all of this happen, he soon becomes aware that this vote won't make or break anything. It's too late for him. The country is easily split 50/50 on each candidate. He isn't any stronger with his vote than a teenager of eighteen or an elder of eighty-six. Suddenly the world is spinning out of control. Either result that comes out of this astounding and angst-ridden election he won't know how to react.

This is all speculating and trying to make a point anyways. I'm sure I may get crap for such an example, but it could easily be turned around. The point of this isn't to get into politics or if said person would do such a thing, the point being that pressure can make us do things that we just wouldn't think of doing under normal circumstances.

How many times has that happened to you? Once, twice? A million times? Never?!

How about yesterday?

No?

Sometime. There has to be one time in your life. Fine. Maybe not everyone, but I sure have.

Nonetheless I pondered this today and wanted to write down my thoughts because I keep losing them to frivolous other thoughts. Such as how badly I need to stop liking someone. *AHEM* or how I need to get a-move-on with my Health project.

Damn that other thought. It was so... Good.

Ah I think I've got it:

"The machines will convince us that they are conscious, that they have their own agenda worthy of our respect. They'll embody human qualities and claim to be human, and we'll believe them."
-R.K Age Of Spiritual Machines

An overwhelming concept I am trying very hard to grasp this past week, intensely trying to focus on the complex language of this renowned author, and conceiving all the happenings in the Universe.

We start with a question: What makes us human? Conscience, free will, ability to feel, having complex thoughts beyond that of any other creature on this planet? Not for long.

Artificial Intelligence isn't something I take lightly. It will be here and it's undoubtedly coming. With our exponential growth in computing, according to Ray Kurzweil, by 2020 computers will reach the intelligence of one human being. In the years following they will continue their growth to many humans, then eventually create more and more. Where will the growth end? Don't we continue to get "smarter"
as time goes on? If we look further back we can see further forward. Computers can exceed and will exceed us.

The only thing that will differentiate a human from a machine will be a soul.

And whose to say will will be able to recognize people from machines from the outside anymore?

A perfect example I wish to emulate is this scenario R.K originally put in his book.

Tom is in need of updating his hearing aid. He does so and is so pleased with the results that he goes ahead and gets the other ear "enhanced" as well.
Still the same Tom most would say.
Then Tom realizes that his eyes just aren't what they used to be. Naturally wanting to better his sight he "enhances" them as well.
Tom is very pleased with himself, he feels ages younger.
Still the same Tom most would agree.
Tom isn't getting any younger and maybe some new legs and arms wouldn't hurt, those joints won't last forever you know.
Tom is in serious need of a heart transplant.
He feels good as new. Is this still the same Tom?
Tom. Here he is now. A good 80% of him is now "artificial". Metal and organs.
I ask you: Is he the same Tom?
Tom is dying, his organs are tired. Under his request his "thoughts" (consisting of memories, personality, reactions, etc) are transfered to an "artificial" brain.
Tom is gone now. But his mind is alive in his "machine" parts. Is this the same Tom?
Will that machine wake up one morning remembering (because it has the memory) what he was and essentially go insane? From all the changes of what he used to be to what he has become? And even the question comes up of whether this "robot" is even Tom anymore. When did the soul part from the body?

When do we consider humans to be human anymore?
 
 
Current Mood: creative
 
 
whyismyfishred
02 October 2008 @ 08:06 pm
Goodbye 6 (Mary):
    I'm sorry I can't be everybody's superhero. It would end up hurting us both by doing what you think is good. I'm sorry, I just hope you can continue to achieve above and beyond me.

~Chandler

 
 
Current Mood: numb
 
 
whyismyfishred
17 September 2008 @ 05:29 pm
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

 
 
 
Current Mood: relaxed
 
 
whyismyfishred
04 September 2008 @ 02:21 pm
I will sit here early afternoon waiting
Too often I think of you and your problems
Too often
I want them
I want it all
You and your problems

I know you know
But I'm still waiting
I'm here and please don't be scared
Don't be scared

Maybe it's wrong of me
I think about you so much
It might even make it hard for you
But you need to know

I know you know
But I'm still waiting
I'm here and please don't be scared
Don't be scared

Sometimes I get so frustrated
So fucking frustrated
I can't stand waiting
Why can't you just let her go?

I wonder

But then I remember it all
Everything that has happened to me
Everything that's happened to you
Waiting is the hardest

I know you know
But I'm still waiting
I'm here and please don't be scared
Don't be scared

All the things I have told you
That I want to tell
But I can't
It's for...

Our own good

by: Mary Michalak
 
 
Current Mood: curious
 
 
 
 

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